My addiction - Fear
I always considered myself an active person. Love to exercise, reading, writing, make time for family and friends but at the same time I also felt the need to isolate myself to retreat. I'm good at hiding my feelings and I only show people a side of me that I think they want to see. I can change a light bulb to fixing the toaster to putting a broken cupboard door back on its hinges. I'm a jack of all trades and that is what people expect to see. Someone who can multitask. Who can clean, cook, do the washing and moving furniture around in one day and still have time to wash the dogs bake cake and still babysit for the family without complaining of feeling tired. But when I'm alone I'm a different person. I'm not that strong person I make myself out to be. I won't complain to others but I will complain to myself when I'm alone. I won't show my frustration when I have to do more things then one to others but when I'm done I will lock myself in my room and find a way to work out my frustration.
I'm not someone who verbally expresses myself but recently I was asked a question which probably had no meaning to it. I was asked "what am I afraid of the most?" And without thinking I said LIFE. When asked 'why?' I couldn't answer.
You see for as long as I can remember I needed to fear to feel safe and secure. In order for me to live I needed to feel afraid of living. The driving force behind my daily routine was fear and worry. I would map my day out in my mind. If something doesn't go my way I panic. If something isn't done at a specific time I worry. Sleep was my worst enemy. For some reason I was always too afraid to sleep at night but not once has it occurred to me that this was not normal. To me this was normal. This was the only understanding I had to being normal.
If I wasn't asked that question I probably wouldn't have found the time to find out who I really am. That same person upon hearing my reply and all that I had to say, told something which I wouldn't have considered on my own. "Change your routine, change the way you do things." But what does changing you routine have to do with fear? Still it hasn't clicked in me what was really going on me with me. At that time I thought this person is crazy, melodramatic even. What the heck I tried it. Maybe this person has a point. Up until today I don't understand or shall I say I don't know the reason why we had that conversation. But I'm glad we had it. I wanted so much to prove I'm normal so I stared making mental notes and written ones as well.
Day 1# Because I have trouble sleeping at night I find it difficult to stand up in the mornings. Normally I wake up with a nagging headache. So I decided to wake up an hour earlier. I normally wake up at seven so now I decide to wake up at six.
Here's what I found out - I'm moody when I haven't had enough sleep. I'm miserable and I'm shouting early in the morning. To keep me awake and to keep me from moaning I will make the beds, tidy the rooms and have breakfast but I'm still miserable and I miss that extra hour of sleep. Because I have a part time job and I spend most of my days at home this was a challenge which I willingly accepted but after a few days regretted. I don't regret it now, it has helped me to find the real me.
Day 2# Have to wake up at six every morning, still moody because the lack of sleep. Made up beds, tidy rooms, had breakfast. Now what do I do? Okay maybe I will watch TV and listen to music on my phone. Remember I'm in the process of proving to myself I'm just as normal as everyone else. Day two I don't feel any difference besides the fact that I'm now extra tired and I now have more hours in the day to do what?
So I watch TV till nine, have the desire to go back to sleep but decide to stand up and sweep and mop the house instead. Showered by half ten. I'm done with my house work an hour earlier. So I decide to write little instead. But due to the fact I woke up an hour earlier I can't concentrate. So I will put on a movie and wait until it's time for my uncles kids to come out from school. Then it's back to stressing. Need to undress, eat, help with home, get them washed. Frustrate myself because they are not my kids but for some reason they became my responsibility. I became a mum over night.
School meetings, school, shopping, homework, because they girls I must wash their hair, get them up for school and make sure they in bed early enough. So basically the only time I have for myself is the time when I'm done with the housework and I'm not talking about days the washing has to be done and the time when everyone was in bed asleep.
But what does all this have to do with fear being my drug? You will soon find out.
Day 3# Now the person whom I had this discussion with knows all this and this person also told me to let go of some of that responsibility and that I should trying living for myself and not only for others. This person looked at me and pointed out that outside from my responsibilities at home I didn't really have much of a life.
I'm not someone who verbally expresses myself but recently I was asked a question which probably had no meaning to it. I was asked "what am I afraid of the most?" And without thinking I said LIFE. When asked 'why?' I couldn't answer.
You see for as long as I can remember I needed to fear to feel safe and secure. In order for me to live I needed to feel afraid of living. The driving force behind my daily routine was fear and worry. I would map my day out in my mind. If something doesn't go my way I panic. If something isn't done at a specific time I worry. Sleep was my worst enemy. For some reason I was always too afraid to sleep at night but not once has it occurred to me that this was not normal. To me this was normal. This was the only understanding I had to being normal.
If I wasn't asked that question I probably wouldn't have found the time to find out who I really am. That same person upon hearing my reply and all that I had to say, told something which I wouldn't have considered on my own. "Change your routine, change the way you do things." But what does changing you routine have to do with fear? Still it hasn't clicked in me what was really going on me with me. At that time I thought this person is crazy, melodramatic even. What the heck I tried it. Maybe this person has a point. Up until today I don't understand or shall I say I don't know the reason why we had that conversation. But I'm glad we had it. I wanted so much to prove I'm normal so I stared making mental notes and written ones as well.
Day 1# Because I have trouble sleeping at night I find it difficult to stand up in the mornings. Normally I wake up with a nagging headache. So I decided to wake up an hour earlier. I normally wake up at seven so now I decide to wake up at six.
Here's what I found out - I'm moody when I haven't had enough sleep. I'm miserable and I'm shouting early in the morning. To keep me awake and to keep me from moaning I will make the beds, tidy the rooms and have breakfast but I'm still miserable and I miss that extra hour of sleep. Because I have a part time job and I spend most of my days at home this was a challenge which I willingly accepted but after a few days regretted. I don't regret it now, it has helped me to find the real me.
Day 2# Have to wake up at six every morning, still moody because the lack of sleep. Made up beds, tidy rooms, had breakfast. Now what do I do? Okay maybe I will watch TV and listen to music on my phone. Remember I'm in the process of proving to myself I'm just as normal as everyone else. Day two I don't feel any difference besides the fact that I'm now extra tired and I now have more hours in the day to do what?
So I watch TV till nine, have the desire to go back to sleep but decide to stand up and sweep and mop the house instead. Showered by half ten. I'm done with my house work an hour earlier. So I decide to write little instead. But due to the fact I woke up an hour earlier I can't concentrate. So I will put on a movie and wait until it's time for my uncles kids to come out from school. Then it's back to stressing. Need to undress, eat, help with home, get them washed. Frustrate myself because they are not my kids but for some reason they became my responsibility. I became a mum over night.
School meetings, school, shopping, homework, because they girls I must wash their hair, get them up for school and make sure they in bed early enough. So basically the only time I have for myself is the time when I'm done with the housework and I'm not talking about days the washing has to be done and the time when everyone was in bed asleep.
But what does all this have to do with fear being my drug? You will soon find out.
Day 3# Now the person whom I had this discussion with knows all this and this person also told me to let go of some of that responsibility and that I should trying living for myself and not only for others. This person looked at me and pointed out that outside from my responsibilities at home I didn't really have much of a life.
My addiction - fear
For me writing is my life. As long as I write I feel I'm doing something worth while. I attend family functions, I go out with friends but apart from all that what am I really doing for myself. I will not leave the house if it is not cleaned, if the children are not settled if the washing is not washed and packed away. I will not go out if things at home is not in order. Now I live with my grandmother. She is 69 years old. My uncle is divorced from his wife so he and his children moved in with us. I have another aunt who also divorced from her husband and she and her kids moved in with us. My grandmother has decided to take on the responsibility of the family and I chose to help her because I don't want her to carry that burden alone. Where bills is concerned every gives their share but with responsibility around the house lies mostly on the shoulders of my grandmother and myself. So how do I shift this responsibility on someone else without causing a problem. I mean I can't just saying not going to do something because it isn't my responsibility.
So what I'm told to do now is to just let things go, let it be. If the washing needs to be done don't stress about it leave it and if no one wants to do it I can do it on another day. Clean the house but if later in the day there's papers laying on the floor or dirt on the carpets don't stress and rush to get it cleaned. Leave it. It can be cleaned later.
Now I have to do something for myself. But what? I have so many options, packing my cupboard, doing my hair, going for a walk, spend more time writing. So I do those things but what I realized is that in that time I could have done many other things. I could have done the washing, helped the kids with their homework and then I start to feel guilty afterwards. I wasted time on myself when I could have done something important. But what I fail to realize is that I'm just as important.
Day 4# I feel guilty because now I'm starting to look lazy and as if I have an attitude problem but I don't give up. I wake up early get the kids done for school, make up the beds, have breakfast, watch TV, clean the rest of the house, shower me and lock myself in my room. This is now me time. By the time the kids come home from school I leave them. They can undress themselves, they can do it without my help. They are old enough. Don't help with their homework, their parents can do that. I'm basically just letting things go but it's not working out for me. I'm bored, worried and frustrated. I'm scared someone is going to annoy their self for me and worry they going to say things about me. I'm just letting things go. I don't rush to tidy up after the kids and I try not to run when someone calls. But I still can't help but worry.
Day 10# Now I'm not going to explain everything. I want to get to the part where I realized that I use fear as my drug.
After 2 weeks of letting things go and not taking on responsibility which isn't mine. I feel different. I feel lighter, I feel empty even. I have this hole in my stomach which I need to fill. I'm constantly hungry, emotional and frustrated. I have so much time on my hands now but still I'm feeling this way. As much as I try to fill that void that I have inside of me with food I still feel empty and as if something is missing. I feel as if I'm yearning for something but I don't know what. Like I pointed out I took on responsibility that wasn't mine. I stressed and worried when I didn't have to and now that is all gone I have nothing left. It feels good to be free and I don't want it back but I'm willing to take all that on again to avoid feeling like this.
So now I go back to this person and I explain to this person of the things that I'm feeling and this person explained to me that all that worry and stress is being detoxed from my body and my mind. "What do you mean detox?" When I hear detox I think toxins from unhealthy foods and drugs and chemicals. But what I didn't know was that stress and anxiety can also fill your body up with toxins and all that I was feeling was all that leaving my system. I still don't understand what does that have to do with fear. At this time I was unaware of the fear I had building up inside of me. I know about the so called toxins of anxiety and stress. This person then told to just keep on doing what I'm doing. That's all this person said, don't stop what you are doing. Even though it's now day 10 and I should be enjoying my new found freedom but for some reason I can't. I'm so used to trying to fix everything and listening to everyone's complaints and doing everything for everyone. I don't know how to sit still without stressing.
Day 15# Go out more. Fine you have a part time job, you spend most of your time writing but that isn't living. There's a whole other world out there. Being with friends is not enough, going to family functions is not enough. Go out on your own and do something for yourself outside your home.
This is where the fear comes in. Going out and doing something other then what I'm doing takes me out of my comfort zone. Everything I did fell into a certain criteria. When this person said go out on your own I found myself unintentionally worrying. Where do I go? What do I do? I didn't want to go out alone and I didn't want to go somewhere that isn't safe enough for me. This is where my real problems began. If I didn't have this simple conversation with this person I wouldn't be in this position. I didn't feel safe. So every time this person go out I became afraid. Why I was afraid? I don't know. All I knew is that I was afraid of a possible doom. Now apart from changing my routine around the house and my normal routine I have outside of the house, the opportunity rose for me to leave the house and go somewhere I normally wouldn't go. Now always chose jobs nearest to home because I didn't like traveling far distances and now I know why. I was afraid of being far away from home and the reason why I always chose to do part time jobs is because I was afraid of being away from home for too long. Now my cousin needed someone to attend a counseling session with him and I was told to go and the area where this counseling center is somewhere where I haven't been before. I didn't know the area. I was told in advance, say maybe 3 days in advance but I clean forgot because I was hoping someone else would go with him. But the night before I was reminded. I worried, panic and even stressed. I don't know why and for what reason but all I know is I didn't sleep a wink that night. I kept on imaging myself getting lost. The morning came for us to go I was calm mostly because I was too tired to worry. But in the taxi ride on our way to this place I realized it wasn't so bad. I enjoyed my day out even if was only for a counseling session. When we got home in one piece I realized how stupid I was to overreact.
Day 17# After weeks of trying to set up a very important meeting I finally managed to secure a date. Note this meeting was very important for me because it would be the first stone towards building my career. I was excited, happy, thrilled that finally I was going somewhere. Then I was told the place where I would meet this very important person. It was an hour and half drive away. I don't own a car and the only I could get there with public transport is with 2 buses and 2 taxis going up. Now I have to decide do I make this journey or cancel it. For 1 I still have to look for the building so I'm afraid of getting lost. I have to make so many stops and change transport, is this trip really worth it. It is too far and I'm afraid of getting lost or meeting in an accident and I'm so very far away from home. So okay I found alternative transport. I found someone to get me there but that didn't subside the fear I was feeling. So two days before this very important meeting I had a panic attack. I know what a panic attack is because I've had them before when I'm overly stressed. But this one was different. I got so afraid that I swear I was going to die then and there. Normally I can control a panic attack or stop it before it can happen. I know the signs well enough already but like I said this time was different. I felt as if my soul was going to leave my body then and there. I went to lock myself in my room because I didn't want anyone asking me what was wrong. I knew it was just a panic attack but a part of me was convinced that it was more that.
After what seemed like hour when I finally managed to calm myself down I cancelled my appointment. I just couldn't go. As much as I wanted to attend this meeting my mind wouldn't allow me to go that far.
So what I'm told to do now is to just let things go, let it be. If the washing needs to be done don't stress about it leave it and if no one wants to do it I can do it on another day. Clean the house but if later in the day there's papers laying on the floor or dirt on the carpets don't stress and rush to get it cleaned. Leave it. It can be cleaned later.
Now I have to do something for myself. But what? I have so many options, packing my cupboard, doing my hair, going for a walk, spend more time writing. So I do those things but what I realized is that in that time I could have done many other things. I could have done the washing, helped the kids with their homework and then I start to feel guilty afterwards. I wasted time on myself when I could have done something important. But what I fail to realize is that I'm just as important.
Day 4# I feel guilty because now I'm starting to look lazy and as if I have an attitude problem but I don't give up. I wake up early get the kids done for school, make up the beds, have breakfast, watch TV, clean the rest of the house, shower me and lock myself in my room. This is now me time. By the time the kids come home from school I leave them. They can undress themselves, they can do it without my help. They are old enough. Don't help with their homework, their parents can do that. I'm basically just letting things go but it's not working out for me. I'm bored, worried and frustrated. I'm scared someone is going to annoy their self for me and worry they going to say things about me. I'm just letting things go. I don't rush to tidy up after the kids and I try not to run when someone calls. But I still can't help but worry.
Day 10# Now I'm not going to explain everything. I want to get to the part where I realized that I use fear as my drug.
After 2 weeks of letting things go and not taking on responsibility which isn't mine. I feel different. I feel lighter, I feel empty even. I have this hole in my stomach which I need to fill. I'm constantly hungry, emotional and frustrated. I have so much time on my hands now but still I'm feeling this way. As much as I try to fill that void that I have inside of me with food I still feel empty and as if something is missing. I feel as if I'm yearning for something but I don't know what. Like I pointed out I took on responsibility that wasn't mine. I stressed and worried when I didn't have to and now that is all gone I have nothing left. It feels good to be free and I don't want it back but I'm willing to take all that on again to avoid feeling like this.
So now I go back to this person and I explain to this person of the things that I'm feeling and this person explained to me that all that worry and stress is being detoxed from my body and my mind. "What do you mean detox?" When I hear detox I think toxins from unhealthy foods and drugs and chemicals. But what I didn't know was that stress and anxiety can also fill your body up with toxins and all that I was feeling was all that leaving my system. I still don't understand what does that have to do with fear. At this time I was unaware of the fear I had building up inside of me. I know about the so called toxins of anxiety and stress. This person then told to just keep on doing what I'm doing. That's all this person said, don't stop what you are doing. Even though it's now day 10 and I should be enjoying my new found freedom but for some reason I can't. I'm so used to trying to fix everything and listening to everyone's complaints and doing everything for everyone. I don't know how to sit still without stressing.
Day 15# Go out more. Fine you have a part time job, you spend most of your time writing but that isn't living. There's a whole other world out there. Being with friends is not enough, going to family functions is not enough. Go out on your own and do something for yourself outside your home.
This is where the fear comes in. Going out and doing something other then what I'm doing takes me out of my comfort zone. Everything I did fell into a certain criteria. When this person said go out on your own I found myself unintentionally worrying. Where do I go? What do I do? I didn't want to go out alone and I didn't want to go somewhere that isn't safe enough for me. This is where my real problems began. If I didn't have this simple conversation with this person I wouldn't be in this position. I didn't feel safe. So every time this person go out I became afraid. Why I was afraid? I don't know. All I knew is that I was afraid of a possible doom. Now apart from changing my routine around the house and my normal routine I have outside of the house, the opportunity rose for me to leave the house and go somewhere I normally wouldn't go. Now always chose jobs nearest to home because I didn't like traveling far distances and now I know why. I was afraid of being far away from home and the reason why I always chose to do part time jobs is because I was afraid of being away from home for too long. Now my cousin needed someone to attend a counseling session with him and I was told to go and the area where this counseling center is somewhere where I haven't been before. I didn't know the area. I was told in advance, say maybe 3 days in advance but I clean forgot because I was hoping someone else would go with him. But the night before I was reminded. I worried, panic and even stressed. I don't know why and for what reason but all I know is I didn't sleep a wink that night. I kept on imaging myself getting lost. The morning came for us to go I was calm mostly because I was too tired to worry. But in the taxi ride on our way to this place I realized it wasn't so bad. I enjoyed my day out even if was only for a counseling session. When we got home in one piece I realized how stupid I was to overreact.
Day 17# After weeks of trying to set up a very important meeting I finally managed to secure a date. Note this meeting was very important for me because it would be the first stone towards building my career. I was excited, happy, thrilled that finally I was going somewhere. Then I was told the place where I would meet this very important person. It was an hour and half drive away. I don't own a car and the only I could get there with public transport is with 2 buses and 2 taxis going up. Now I have to decide do I make this journey or cancel it. For 1 I still have to look for the building so I'm afraid of getting lost. I have to make so many stops and change transport, is this trip really worth it. It is too far and I'm afraid of getting lost or meeting in an accident and I'm so very far away from home. So okay I found alternative transport. I found someone to get me there but that didn't subside the fear I was feeling. So two days before this very important meeting I had a panic attack. I know what a panic attack is because I've had them before when I'm overly stressed. But this one was different. I got so afraid that I swear I was going to die then and there. Normally I can control a panic attack or stop it before it can happen. I know the signs well enough already but like I said this time was different. I felt as if my soul was going to leave my body then and there. I went to lock myself in my room because I didn't want anyone asking me what was wrong. I knew it was just a panic attack but a part of me was convinced that it was more that.
After what seemed like hour when I finally managed to calm myself down I cancelled my appointment. I just couldn't go. As much as I wanted to attend this meeting my mind wouldn't allow me to go that far.
My addiction - Fear
After that so called encounter with that massive panic attack I knew something was seriously wrong. I noticed that I got more and more afraid especially when someone mentioned death or when I read about death. I didn't like feeling like this and I regret ever taking this challenge on. I'm beginning to learn things about myself that I didn't even know.
Day 25# after what seemed like an eternity of playing hide and seek with myself I decided I would go back to this person and find out what this person has to say about all this.
This is what I've learnt. Fear like anxiety is a drug of the mind. The one spent work without the other. It's a full package. Fear is the cheapest drug in the whole world. You don't have to go very far to look for it. You can find it within yourself. So according to this person, when I was busy taking on responsibility and rushing around and worrying and stressing I had that fear along inside of me but it just didn't make itself known because stress was in control. Like I said I always considered myself to be normal but now I look at myself differently. Now this person said to me when my mind was so full of stress and I was too busy I didn't realize the stress and the anxiety I was going through. Only when I let go of the problems did I see the stress I put myself under. When I was in the process of learning to let go and was overcome with emotion and I didn't know what to do with myself that was withdrawal symptoms. Just like any other drug when it leaves your system it doesn't leave silently. When all that bad toxins leave your system your mind becomes clearer and your body lighter. It might seem that way at first because all you have on your mind is filling that gap that void you have building inside you and how does a drug addict fill up that void. Food. Fear is as much a toxin as anxiety, stress and worry. Your mind is filled with negative thoughts, your body is filled with negative feelings and all the physical symptoms that comes with all that. Once all that is gone you don't know what to do with yourself. You could say you a new born baby or you feel like a child being let out in this world. But where does the fear come in?
Only when you cleared your mind from worry and all that stress left your body did fear make itself known to you. All these symptoms comes out one at a time. Your mind and your body is missing something so mentally without you realizing it you found something else to replace that with. Fear. Now if the process of letting go of all that worry and stress is called withdrawal symptoms then what is fear? Cravings. Your body need to feel safe your mind needs to feel secure because you are now in a new space and you are stripped of all that guard you built up around you. So you crave for something which makes you feel safe again and what comes with fear? Worry and stress and anxiety. If you give into that fear it's like giving into that craving. I'm not saying it's not okay to feel afraid but how much fear we feel is the problem. It all starts with the mind. You have to change the way you think. Like the saying goes 'if you hear hoof beats then think of a zebra' and what does that mean. Why not think of a horse when you hear hoof beats. It's because you have to change the way to think. Horses aren't the only animals that gallop.
I don't know if this will mean anything to anyone but it is something I felt I should share .some may not understand.
Then I didn't know the reason behind all that but this person has helped me to see things differently. Maybe it wasn't intentional but it did help. I believe we all have a guardian angel out there.
Day 25# after what seemed like an eternity of playing hide and seek with myself I decided I would go back to this person and find out what this person has to say about all this.
This is what I've learnt. Fear like anxiety is a drug of the mind. The one spent work without the other. It's a full package. Fear is the cheapest drug in the whole world. You don't have to go very far to look for it. You can find it within yourself. So according to this person, when I was busy taking on responsibility and rushing around and worrying and stressing I had that fear along inside of me but it just didn't make itself known because stress was in control. Like I said I always considered myself to be normal but now I look at myself differently. Now this person said to me when my mind was so full of stress and I was too busy I didn't realize the stress and the anxiety I was going through. Only when I let go of the problems did I see the stress I put myself under. When I was in the process of learning to let go and was overcome with emotion and I didn't know what to do with myself that was withdrawal symptoms. Just like any other drug when it leaves your system it doesn't leave silently. When all that bad toxins leave your system your mind becomes clearer and your body lighter. It might seem that way at first because all you have on your mind is filling that gap that void you have building inside you and how does a drug addict fill up that void. Food. Fear is as much a toxin as anxiety, stress and worry. Your mind is filled with negative thoughts, your body is filled with negative feelings and all the physical symptoms that comes with all that. Once all that is gone you don't know what to do with yourself. You could say you a new born baby or you feel like a child being let out in this world. But where does the fear come in?
Only when you cleared your mind from worry and all that stress left your body did fear make itself known to you. All these symptoms comes out one at a time. Your mind and your body is missing something so mentally without you realizing it you found something else to replace that with. Fear. Now if the process of letting go of all that worry and stress is called withdrawal symptoms then what is fear? Cravings. Your body need to feel safe your mind needs to feel secure because you are now in a new space and you are stripped of all that guard you built up around you. So you crave for something which makes you feel safe again and what comes with fear? Worry and stress and anxiety. If you give into that fear it's like giving into that craving. I'm not saying it's not okay to feel afraid but how much fear we feel is the problem. It all starts with the mind. You have to change the way you think. Like the saying goes 'if you hear hoof beats then think of a zebra' and what does that mean. Why not think of a horse when you hear hoof beats. It's because you have to change the way to think. Horses aren't the only animals that gallop.
I don't know if this will mean anything to anyone but it is something I felt I should share .some may not understand.
Then I didn't know the reason behind all that but this person has helped me to see things differently. Maybe it wasn't intentional but it did help. I believe we all have a guardian angel out there.
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